The WoRLd

Gackt Site

2011-07-06T18:45:00.001-07:00

http://www.freewebs.com/gackt-eyesofangel/

2010-12-09T21:56:00.001-08:00

My Dark Angel
Written: March 31, 2008
Revised: November 2010
Dedicated to: Someone

You’re silent as ever
Smiling is your routine, you make me fall
I fall yet you fly, you’re near but intangible.

The pain which I tried to conceal
In your eyes it was fairly revealed.
When you stared I was caught,
In your presence I noticed, I continue to fall.

Then I looked at my right, my left and my back.
I realized everything was black.
How long does it take to make someone forget?

I have this dream yesterday night
That I cried then you came to hold me tight
You spread your raven wings and together we fly
In spite of the darkness of the nightly sky
You give me light that make me smile

You are my dark angel, my dark, Dark Angel.

When the morning I wake up,
It seems everything is not right
There’s a barrier between us
A thin wall that is thick
A wall that won’t break

Eternity is not enough, my tears won’t stop
So that’s why….

I have this dream yesterday night
That I hide then you came to guide my path
You widened your arms and embraced me light
It was dark yet you shine so bright
You give me light that make me smile
My dark angel

I’ve watched the stars last night,
I held your picture in my right hand.
In order the two of us meet, will to cast a magic spell make it?

To wait forever is not enough
Even if I wait you will not show up
We’ll not meet in this thin line of life
I know it is the fact.

But even it costs a thousand years to wait
I promise that we’ll meet, till then please wait.
My Dark Angel.

Silent Love

2010-07-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

"I'm so in love with a guy who doesn't even know my name..."

Everyday my feelings are tight.
It's a bliss whenever I see him smile.
But this feeling of loneliness devours my very heart,
Since I know that I can only see him by afar.

He doesn't even know my name. But we are of in the same class.
I don't know if I am to feel happy or sad,
having the same room with him is nothing less than a torture.

Sometimes I don't want to see his face, nor I didn't want to hear his voice.
Whenever I did, I gain only pain. And pain.
When I look at him I always wonder as I sit aside,
"Does he notice me? Does he know I'm always on his back?"
"Does he know how much he has troubled my heart?"

I would sigh as I'd realize that he doesn't even know my name.
Will there be a day....just a day, when he
would turn around and look at me? Just for once...
Please pretend to look at me...just once.

Don't look at my side,
Don't stare at my friend,
Don't just blink....but look at me and notice me.
Notice my silent love.

History of the Rose

2010-06-11T04:47:00.001-07:00

A History of the ROSE

~~Click me~~

Blue Rose Story

2010-06-11T04:43:00.000-07:00

The Story of the BLUE ROSE
A Chinese Folktale

Here's the Link:
Blue Rose

Weird?

2010-06-11T04:15:00.000-07:00

Weird is good.
Strange is bad.
Weird is the same as different, which is unique,
so I am weird.

Mp3 Downloads

2010-06-11T04:11:00.000-07:00

Get the Latest Mp3 downloads here! You can download any musics and MP3's, just click the image below.

Doll--is it for real?

2010-06-06T03:42:00.000-07:00

A doll that looks so real--awesome!
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Naruto Box Set 1

2010-06-06T03:18:00.001-07:00

Get your own Naruto Shippudden DVD now!
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2010-06-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

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Twilight DVD -- Special Edition

2010-06-06T02:48:00.001-07:00

Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition)

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson (DVD)

$16.99

Get your Twilight special edition now at Amazon.com!

Movies On Demand

2010-06-06T02:45:00.000-07:00

The Wolfman

Anthony Hopkins, Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt (DVD)

$17.99

Death Note DVD Volume 1

2010-06-06T02:21:00.000-07:00

Japan's one of the hottest anime ever--Death Note! It's DVD is for sale at Amazon.com, the price is worth it! Watch the anime in original DVD! It's only $9.99!! What are you waiting for? Light and L is waiting for you right there!

To Gackt with Love, xoxo

2010-02-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

I am obsess to this SINGER ABOVE.

Year 2008, I have known the existence of this man, and slowly, gently and almost stupidly, I felt in love with him. I know I'm stupid and hopeless. But I still know how to feel LOVE. I love everything about him, and I love all of his songs, totally obsess with him. When I feel depress and lonely, I just waste my time listening to his musics...and I feel alive. Once again.

I thank him for making me feel happy and refresh. I thank him for everything that he has done to me (although he doesn't know me, and he doesn't even know that he makes me happy) But I thank him so much that it hurts. I love him so much that it sorts of killing me, yeah, I'm stupid.

If I had only one (certain) wish before I die, it would be "To see him personally."

"And to watch his concerts even from the farthest chair."

That's why...that's why I plead that before everything would vanish from my very sight, I want to fly to Japan and hear him SING a song...for me. Onegai shimasu, Kami-sama.

Gackt's Trivia!

click me

The Forlorn Princess

2010-01-31T01:45:00.000-08:00

The forlorn lass.

Note: I made this out of my whirlwind mind, it resembles me, sort of. This however, was originally posted at fictionpress, but I kinda want to post it here. This has another side story that can be found in my account, uh, suppose you are enticed by this one then you might want to read the other one, here is the link:

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2769849/2/His_Forlorn_Princess

After all those years, finally I’m here.
Akihabara, Tokyo Japan.

I came here in Japan for a simple reason, yes, but this childlike reason is a precise significance for me. I love the country so much as I love myself, others may premise that I am obsessed about anything and everything of Japan. It might be I’m abnormally in love with the country itself, but who cares anyway? I have spent my entire twenty-one years living with my family’s expectations, faking a lovely-sympathetic smile, a showy person who didn’t want to be pitied at, pretending for someone who wasn’t me at all. It disgusts me. I disgust myself at those times, regrettably. Now, whoever tells me that I can’t have my own decision? I am finally on my own. It’s time for me to live a life in accordance to my personal choice, and will. I want to explore the country I admire the most.

Japan. Its traditions, cultures, people, beliefs, music, arts and everything. And I want to experience how it feels like to live in a different environment, how Japanese people live like. Perhaps, they are right. I’m becoming obsessive.
It’s the end of winter, and my first day in Japan is a welcoming spring season. Right after I depart from the Narita Airport, I went straight to the hotel I booked in, and then I astonishingly explore the whole new world. Not a single second I’m going to waste. I don’t care even if I look so exhausted.

No one will care if I die in exhaustion, probably.

My exploration leads me here, the tourist guide said this is one of the places I can truly relax and purify, Kanda Shrine. Indeed, it is. The architectures are very impressive; at last I’ve seen with my own eyes a real shrine priest and priestess, and I learn some of their traditional rituals and how it seriously means to them. And as I have expected, a lot of sakura trees are standing attractively on the corners. They are blossoming prettily.

I took several pictures though mostly are cherry blossoms, and right now right here, I am just a mere tourist who simply loves the landscape and scenery. I’ve never felt as happy like this ever since, well, in fact, I was never been happy. I was been a happy person once, twice, and many times and I took a lot of effort just to regain my liveliness but it occurs to me that, at the end, I’ll end up in despair. Completely ruined and worthless.

It appears to me that, people surrounds me are a complete set of aliens, even in my own country and home. I am, a stranger to them, as well. So to say, they are nothing to me just as how much I am nothing to them. That makes us—even.

Well,

When I turned eighteen, I started to dislike people even if they had done nothing wrong to me. I become easily irritated around crowded people, and I hate their prejudice stares, I despise their innocent and caring talks though in reality they are just laughing at you inside. I feel so ill and sick around pretentious individuals, but it can’t be help, so in the end, I am the one who detaches me away from them. I refuse to stare at those eyes, they creep me so terribly. I thought that, I need to put a barrier, a wall and need to distance myself from them, or else, I’ll end up pitying me. And simply because, frankly speaking, I am tired of putting my trust to someone who can’t sincerely treasure it.

I hate crowds, but look where I am now—a complete stranger to a complete crowded country. I do not hate the country, nor the things or anything else, it’s because I love them and their culture. However, I dislike their empty stares, their stabbing eyes, as if they’re going to eat me up. Just like the old times, I hate everybody who doesn’t even have done anything wrong to me.

Funny but, I am a ‘nobody’ who can’t trust anybody.

My recollection seem to have gone farther to nowhere, and I never realize I am staring for a longer at a sakura tree in front of me. It may be that, the tree resembles something to me in my past, though this is my first time seeing it, and I may concede that it’s not quite a worth to neither remember nor even think. Stupidly, I never notice that something that’s cloudy and moist are starting to coat under my eyes, the worse and disgusting matter I never wanted to create. I hate tears. And crying.

Perhaps, they are supposed to be there because I must celebrate that I’m here, tears of joy, they say. Ironically, they are not tears and I am absolutely not in the state of crying, I never cry. To cry is such a foolish thing I would ever do, I’d promised to jump over the tallest Tokyo building if I ever cry.
Crying is for weaklings. Tears are for stupid and for someone who makes themselves one by becoming a slave of someone, enslave by the past and a coward of unwanted fears.

I blink hurriedly and laugh at myself, not considering that they are some people who passes by, I just wanted to laugh. Why? Why is the question I doubt I could answer precisely, I know I’m happy and I feel lucky that I’m now stepping on the land I ever dream of, but why?

Why do I still feel incomplete?

Why is that I am unsatisfied? A little more of this and I bet I would come to believe that I am a person who can’t have satisfaction in her life. When can you say, that a person is satisfied? I definitely cannot determine at all, my feelings are becoming numb as the time passes by—which is, I find so stupid.
I’m numb. I’m numb in a sense that I never notice the sudden movements beside me, and I thought for once someone’s staring at me. I feel weird, as if an elf is stabbing his cold stare at me, which is in fact, as I turn my gaze on my left, a small and pallid figure appears at my very own eyes.

A fragile boy of about nine years of his age came nearer to me. He is half of my height, well, not tall either for I measure five three. His raven hair is tousled and his bangs partly cover his left eye, but I can clearly see his arising confusion and at the same time—concern on his eyes. He stood firmly and his hands both on his sides, just then he asks,

“Daijobu-ka, ne, Oneesan?” it may be that his question suddenly strikes me, I just stare at him and found myself mute. Strange but, I think his eye color is somewhat a blend of emerald green and brown, not a pure hazel but there’s still something more. It may be a reflection, but I think a color of something lighter than blue is mixed on his greenish-brown eyes. I know he’s a Jap but this is the first time I’ve ever met someone who possesses such strange eye color.

Perhaps because he figures out that I’m not Japanese, that’s why he asks again in a different tone and in a different language I myself know for certain, an international language that is design for everyone on earth, “Are you alright, Big Sister?”

It may be that he thought I didn’t understand what he’s saying, that’s why he translated it in English, although I know, I just don’t know how to answer such a question coming from a kid. I speak Nihongo, of course, only the basics though.
It took me for a moment before I regained back myself; I was just surprised as to how politely this child asked. At that very moment, I was wondering why he had asked such a thing.

Can he read my mind? I premise but shake my head lightly afterward, knowing that I’m thinking too far.

“Yes,” I pour a smile that everyone loves to see, a smile that I put into effect, a false one. I never waited for a rebound response from the kid, just like what I always do, turn my face and focuses back at the cherry blossoms. As if no one’s around.

I sigh a relief when the kid run off, well, what more can I expect? Even kids nowadays are scared of me, if not scared, then he might found me solely boring. Why would I care anyway, it’s something that is usual to me, so, he is just one of those people who draw their assumptions against me. I hate those kind the most.

‘Are you alright?’ it’s the stupidest question aimed at me, however, it’s the nicest one among those stupid words. I can’t help but smile, a little with bliss—for the very first time. After all, he is a kid.

Just when I have decided to leave, I almost jerk in surprise when a wooden stool landed heavily on at my front, almost blocking my way. I was shock as I look down straightly and found the small kid, who had questioned me out of the blue a while ago, and is now smirking at me while gripping the stool. I just couldn’t utter a word, and couldn’t utter again as I widen my eyes when he suddenly jumps and is stepping up over the stool. Now he’s matching up my height.

‘Okay, what’s he up to this time? A superman wannabe?’
‘And where in the world he got that stool?’

That thought almost make me chuckle, well, he reminds me of my little brother. I raises my left brow and crosses my arms, and with a fancy tone, I said, “Are you stalking me, little boy?” That question supposedly must have an answer, but what I get instead, is a surprising and shocking question from him.

“Have you ever been in love, Oneesan?” his tone is kind of, unfathomable, but a sincere emotion filled his young voice and his eyes, his eyes are sending me unnerving emotional state. His rash question undeniably shocked me, surprised me to my most extent. How a child could ask such a thing?

That question, stupefies me, I couldn’t find my vocal chords to answer. How shall I answer, anyway? It’s a question that I never thought once will aim at me, a question that I never wanted to hear, ever. It’s disgusting and stupid, it’s the root of all of my despair and hatreds, it’s forbidden to me. It disgusts me.

And it is a child who’s asking me. A nine-year-old boy.

I flinch when he repeated the question, and even though he frustrates me I decided to answer him, and get over it. “Yes,” I say, and my voice seems to be unnatural, perhaps my hesitations travel through my vocal chords. I can’t even imagine why I’m answering him when supposedly; there is no reason at all. I don’t answer stupid questions, and more precisely, I dislike talking to strangers. However, as I look into his blended eyes. I find something aberrant and it kind of—hypnotized me. During my early years, I never met someone who has a pure intent on their eyes. I don’t know if I’m right, and perhaps I’m wrong to say this but, is that what they call ‘concern’—that flushes on his eyes?

Stupid I know. Why would a stranger take concerns on a complete stranger, he doesn’t even know me.

“Are you alone?” I ask instead, this boy is a typical type of person who I categorized as ‘weird’. His parents should have taken care of him more appropriately; they should have not let the boy roam around by himself.

“No,” he answers, and I find myself feels a bit comfortable about that. At least he has a companion, well, I almost thought that he’s a stray kid, or else an orphan who had escaped from the orphanage.

“You were almost crying, why did you stop your tears from falling, Oneesan?” he’s a blunt one, isn’t he?

Yeah, he got me. I really wanted to laugh, at least now I have a reason as to why I should. This boy is peculiar, and well, he saw me in that state? I pour out a timid laugh and say, “You brat, you seem to have a lot of weird imaginations, aren’t you? Where are your parents?”

“Sometimes, it’s okay to cry.” He added, is he ignoring my own question? He has no respect to elders, does he? Ah, he makes me frustrated. I am starting to hate this kid; he’s annoying, sort of. He doesn’t even have the slightest idea what’s on my mind, how could he say such a thing, he surely has a mature mind at his age.

“Uh, really.” I utter irksomely, I comb my hair and tuck some of strands into my left ear, just then I lean closer to his face and narrowed my eyes, “A kid like you shall not mingle with adults. You don’t even know that crying is such a foolish thing to act, tears are for stupid fools.”

“How shall I take that?” he stares back at me, his were filled of unexplainable emotions. I was flabbergasted for a while. And come to think of it, he has a very pale skin, paler than I’ve first thought. I can see the thin veins under his eyes.
Hey, he is a smart kid, I can tell. His English is fluent and he talks straightly, it looks like he’s literate at speech. I learn that there are only few Japanese who can speak fluent in English, and this kid is amazing that he’s actually one of them.

“That’s an advice from a big sister, ne. Now, you must get down and nuzzle your nose at your mother’s skirt.”

“I don’t have a mother,” his answer stunned me, and he said it with a very downhearted tone, although he was trying to hide it. I may conclude that, his mother already passed away. “Sorry,” I utter with a sense of condoles.

“You don’t have to,” he smiles, and I know for certain that, that smile is familiar to me, so usual. It’s the smile that I myself know how to put into act, the smile that I learnt ever since I was a child.

“Big sister, can I ask you something?” well, he is asking now, is he not? I just nod in agreement. Just then he leans forward, so near to me that I almost thought he’s going to stumble down from the stool, his eyes are lock to mine, as if he’s scrutinizing my very personality through my eyes. It kind of, irritates me.

“I can see it clearly in your eyes,” he says, “your eyes shows honesty oppositely from your mouth,”

“I can clearly determine, as well, that is not a question.” I say, he pisses me off. I don’t understand why I am talking with this kid for a longer, I should have cut it off earlier.

He smirks and why is he doing that? And I almost merely forgot, ‘why’ is a question that I cannot precisely answer. It was that moment of truth when the kid spelled out his question,

“Did someone ever love you, Oneesan?” his question…jerked me in surprise.

I know my eyes widen, my hands are shaking involuntarily besides me, and a sudden jolt strikes through—abruptly tormenting my emotions inside. The numbness that wraps around my stony heart, the shell that covers my heart is slowly peeling off, and for once again, the unwanted emotions arise within me. Revealing my isolated feelings.

I thought I am numb.

I am supposed to be numb regards with anything that someone’s telling me.
However, this child, a boy is making me to feel again. He’s unforgivable. Intolerable. How could he ask such a thing? Now my emotions are rumbling, horribly stirring inside, I feel so sick. Nonetheless, how am I suppose to lie, is it something I shall do? This kid is just a nobody, and I find neither reason nor obligations to answer him. I find my hands clenching and I turn down my eyes, not looking at him as I answer, “No.”

Can I even believe that? Can I even hear myself as I said that? No. I don’t understand why I am answering a stupid question with a stupid answer, it’s disgusting to my ears, and it’s a sting to my tongue. Why? Why is again the question I precisely cannot answer.

Perhaps because I did actually answer his stupid question, and perhaps partly because I can’t believe he’s asking such a question. Whatever it may be, it’s getting on my nerves.

I was caught between my swirling thoughts as a small hand cupped my chin, guiding me to look at the owner’s pallid face, his eyes with full of unexplainable expressions caught mine. This is something stupid. The kid is precisely weird, and what’s with that on his face? Silly, now he’s becoming to look so serious and genuine which I find so pathetic. No one has ever looked at me like that.

“Then Oneesan,” he says, eyes still lock into mine, how am I suppose to stare back? “Can you please wait for me?” I am pathetic, his voice and looks seem to be like of a grown up man in my perspective, which is really, really pathetic. And what did he say?

“Can you please wait for me Oneesan, I’ll marry you when I grow up.” He said earnestly, as if he had read my mind. And w-what? M-marry me?

I was speechless.

Is he playing games with me? How can he seriously make a fool out of me, I was almost going to burst in annoyance but instead, I laugh horribly. So loud that it almost choked me in. I freed my chin from his small hand, and I found myself laughing hilariously. This kid is funny, is he not?

“W-what? Y-you are not supposed to laugh,” his voice is shaking, good for him. I just look straight at him laughingly, and when I found his serious face I decided to put my hysterical laugh to its end.

“It has been a long time since I laugh like this. You’ve done a good try Mr. Little.” I said, and when he pouts I thought I was going to laugh again but had managed to control it.

“I mean it,” he says, his tone is really meaning it and his eyes are filled with enthusiasms. I stunned from where I was standing and my cheeks seem to warm a little, I know a tinge of red is flushing on my cheeks—and it’s stupid. Stupid in a sense that I am acting and feeling weird, as if I was star-struck, what more, it’s a boy of about nine years old who had done this to me.

I was merely shocked. How am I supposed to take it? I know he’s serious when he said that, after all these years I know how to determine false intentions from not, and he’s the first one who talks like he’s meaning it.

A wind suddenly blows from the west and the cherry blossoms’ started to fall down on our heads, I saw his tousled hair dancing in the wind. And I feel so relieved and relaxed as I stared straight at him, he was smiling at me. And it was the kind of smile that was never aimed at me ever since before, it’s a smile that I am ashamed to receive, a smile filled with love and honesty. This time his smile is different from the first. Who is this boy?

I was surprised and couldn’t utter a word. Strange but, my heart seems pumping fast and I know for certain that, I feel…refresh. No, it’s something more than that.

Ne, when can you say that you’re feeling satisfied?

“Hitori-sama!” an upset voice startled us, and just then I realized it was an old man who’s standing not a few distances from us. He is about on his fifties, and he is wearing a black suit with a pair of white gloves, he has glasses too. I presume he is a butler. Or somewhat like that.

When the boy jumps out from the stool, I finally understand who that man is calling, it was he. And his name is Hitori.

“It’s time to leave,” the old man said at him, and I just stood there speechlessly. No matter how I calculate it, it still confuses me. The boy looks almost ragged and his hair even needs to be comb, yet now someone is addressing him –sama, and it appears to be the man is his butler. Whatever. It doesn’t matter to me; no one matters to me from the start.

I flinch when the kid looks back at me, and he smiles before he said, “We’ll meet again, Oneesan. Jah ne.”

I just sighed. And then I smiled back at him, after all, he’s just a kid. I wave a hand at him and says, “Take care of yourself. And try not to confuse the adults, ne?” He doesn’t need to take it seriously anyway.

That boy who has confessed bluntly at me, together with the old man who happens to be a butler, just then slowly disappears from my sight. I don’t know why but somehow, I feel remorse when I did not answer him seriously.

At that time when he said he meant it, I thought I was going to answer, ‘I’ll wait you, then.’ In fact, I almost said it to him. That’s what I wanted to answer him, partly because I know he’s just a kid and was not serious about it, and partly because I know we won’t meet again. He did not even ask for my name. For what, anyway. Seriously, I’m becoming pathetic.

‘We’ll meet again, Oneesan.’

The truth is, we won’t meet again.

My first day in Japan is, I may concede that, one of the unforgettable moment in my boring life.

Enlightened

2009-11-17T02:55:00.000-08:00

I am all alone. I feel like surrendering.
But these Japanese singers are making me feel like I'm still alive.
That I'm still worth living.
Haha.

Unanswered

2009-08-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

Everything around....is a question to me. Everything.
Questions that were never been answered....till now.

Lost

2009-08-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

The rain was pouring unstoppably and the cold was like a sting over my skin, its as if piercing me wholly...

Droplets stab the coldness of rain unto me, so cold, the rain seemed to have accompany me as tears flew down the pale cheeks. Just then I sighed.

Walking aimlessly whilst looking above the gloomy blue sky, I asked myself,

"Are you Lost?"

-Lady in Red

2009-08-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

"My soul is replete with hatred and pain, I'm afraid I cannot go back the way I was before..."

- Lady in Red

Pain

2009-08-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Emotional torture and pain is worst and most painful than Physical injuries, its like walking barefoot over an array of fury flames."

- Lady in Red

What If.

2009-08-06T17:35:00.001-07:00

What would you feel if you are being hate and despise by your own parents? Especially your father whom you dedicate all the hard works and achievements you have done? What would you feel if your father told you that he does not trust you anymore? What if he said this to you, 'you are no help at all'?

What would you feel if your parents loathe you so much that it hurts? What if they thought you're always the culprit of everything, that you are not a good daughter and sister? What if they thought you always bring troubles that even your grandparents feel the same way? What would you exactly feel if they glare at you with pairs of anguish cold eyes?

What if you cannot bring back the trust and care and the love of your father and mother, siblings, friends, and all the people around you? What if the next time you need their accompany, attention and help, but they act as if they aren't there, as if they are not hearing you every time you call their names?

What if you want to express yourself and feelings but could not because no one would care to listen?

What if you want them to understand but they could not? What if you crave for their love and attention, but you feel like you are not worthy to receive it? What would you feel if everyone around you seems so very distant? What will you do if people keep hurting you, not physically but emotionally? How can you survive if they act foolishly and pretentiously in front of you? How far will you stand if they continue pretending they care about you though the fact is that, they were just doing it because they think it is the right thing to do – not because they actually care?

What would you feel?

DARK

2009-07-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Dearest Dark,

I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote on you. Well, all through that time I shared my feelings and emotions with the use of pen and a notebook. But this instance and onwards I will write and tell you everything with the use of computer, as you can see, I am now in a modern globalization, Dark. As the world goes modern and technologies govern, I go drowning in fear and depths of insecurities and sins.

First of all, I want to tell you about something. I remorse a lot.

I do have diaries and I wrote a lot of events that happened in my life, may whatever it may be, my melancholies, sanguine, phlegmatic, perhaps choleric ones. All of those four temperaments I did experience and kept. But when a time I almost surrendered and my heart was filled with lots of anger and hatred I decided to erase and throw away all those memoirs and events that I wish I did not have. What did I remorse?

That I have burnt all of them. My diary.

I burnt the pages that contains my sorrows and desolations, I burnt the contents that enclosed all of the joyous events that showered on me, I threw away the sole notebook that held my feelings and emotions which I could say to nobody. All of it.

It is now that I realize that what I did on my diary was totally obnoxious, I am obnoxious. I regret that I burnt it because I have lost all of the memoirs during those ages, and I can not remember some of those any longer. Conversely, the reason why I burnt my diary was because I do not want to remember any of those, especially my times of despair. Still, I do regret.

And now Dark, whatever problems and horrific occurrence that will happen to me, I will write and share it with you, you who have been my listener and the only one who understands me rather than our Lord. You have been so good to me at times of my stupor. And the Lord who have been in my side whatever it may be, the Lord who have answered all my prayers and guide me at time of my intoxications and ennui, the two of you…never left me.

If I write on you most of it are due to my sadness and I being distraught. Perchance I am crying or perhaps I am done doing so. You know me Dark, in order for me to overcome my hatred and sadness in my heart, I will write on you. Perhaps talk? Ha-ha I am talking to you anyways and to me per se.

You know I often write when I feel so alone, when I feel like everyone are distant, and when I encounter problems that I could not solve alone, that I could not bear solely. And when every time I realizes that one question that keeps haunting me--what is happiness? That's why I bet you knew the reason why I'm writing this moment. You know now that I have saw something this day that was related with that word, happiness. Every time I saw someone or something that seem so happy, I envy them and I pity myself, afterwards, I will laugh and smile--trying to mimic their happy moments, trying to make myself happy. Although, I do not really know what's the real meaning of happiness, and how can someone attain such happiness.

Anatawa honto ni kanashii desu, Dark.

I' m sad. Lonely and distraught. I'm in pain. No one dare to save me from this feeling, people around me seem to not notice my indisputable pain and hatred. No one will dare.

I do smile and laugh a lot, in my face it is rare that I'm seen in gloominess, I pretend and fake emotions ever since I step in high school, ever since then until now, I always pretend. Always. It is best for me to smile and laugh, it is much better if I became so pretentious, because if I would not, then, I will die in loneliness.

I'm alone even I do have friends, lots of them. However, my friends do not care and they can't even read the real me, they cant understand me. I grew up believing I am alone, that I am pretentious, that I am not worthy to be loved by someone, I grew up believing no one cares about me, that no one will even understand me. I taught myself not to put my whole trust to somebody and I taught myself that no one will ever put their trust on me. No one. Even if I have to pretend and fake a smile and laughter, I will do it, just to show them I'm happy which in reality happiness does not even exist in my vocabulary.

I do pretend and I was wondering, since when?

I taught myself to fake a smile and it was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced, I taught myself to be so cheerful in the eyes of people so that they would not notice the pain in my eyes, the longing and craving to be noticed. But what good can it bring it to me if I always do pretend? Nothing. Nothing good. Because I am destroying my own life, I am wasting it, I am making my own devastation. Simply because…I am weak.

I am easily get downed. I am ease to surrender because I am weak to my own emotions, I am too weak. I can not control my feelings and even though my face seem so happy, in the inner part of me…I am not.

Dakara, I'm telling you about this and you alone, for you alone can understand and read my emotions. I do not care if someone will come to read this and despise me or say I'm such an exaggerating person, actually I will want it that way. I rather prefer publish my diary and let thousands of online people read this, rather than family and friends. It is much better if people will read this and I do not care, they do not know me anyway, they even don’t know my given name, and why would they care anyway? My family doesn’t care so why would they?

Is it even possible that I can learn to feel happy? Can I be happy?

Life is such an ironic thing. But l love my life despite of everything. My determination of not giving up will pursue at the end, so I keep trying and trying although I repeatedly fail. I learned a lot of things but most of it I did just wasted and did not use, simply because I'm stupid. I'm stupid and worthless in some ways, such as my repugnance of disrespect but I myself often times commit impertinence. My antipathy of love and qualm of being whether it's true in reality or not, like, true love between opposite sex only exist in fairy tales and fictions, it does not happen in real life. Does it?

My detestation of being lonely and alone but then on the other part of me, I prefer being a loner. What does it make sense if I am to be with someone whom I do not like, someone who doesn't even understand me? Someone who just forced themselves to fake a smile and acts good pretentiously? People who wear a mask façade just to justify themselves as good? Though in deep within they're just as stupid like me? What a pitiable disgusting act, they are so same like me. I am already stupid, pairing an obtuse person on me will make us a perfect pitiable stupid partners. Do you agree, Dark?

However, if I will be given a chance to find someone that will accept the whole part of me as a person, it will only be you Dark and no one else. How could I love and find someone else if you're everything on me? Is there any justice for me? Why did I suddenly change the matter into a love issue this time, I'm such an idiot.

As I can remember, this part is just the beginning of everything in my life. It does not end, my diary will not end unless if I'm dead. I will keep this page and further dates as solid memoirs of me, I will not burn nor erase it this time, I will keep it forever. Until my descendants will come to dig and find this, and they will know, discover, and remember the life I have. I want a lifetime memories that will represent me to my young descendants in the future. Wish that will come.

I have said all the part, Dark. Tell me about yours Dark, how are you doing these days? You know I am indeed gleeful and that you can cheer me up every time I write on you, because you make me feel…you are here. That I am not alone.

Wish you will come.

Dark.

Signed.
Lady in Red

Iris

2009-03-03T00:41:00.000-08:00

I just want you to know who I am...
I derived that line from a song titled IRIS, I really love that song. Its because I could see myself in that song, the meaning of it is very related to me...ahhh...that is so true and wonderful song.

Yeah, definitely. I want you and the others to know the real me, I want them to understand me even for just once. But even my family seems to misunderstand and misjudge me; they always put me into false judgments, even me myself…I often wonder why. You know, the life I am now, the ME I am now, the attitude I have now is not the real me. It seems that I do always pretend… pretend to smile and be happy though I am not…pretend I am strong and don’t need help though absolutely I am craving for their help… Maybe because I don’t like them to think that I’m weak (emotionally not physically), I don’t want them to see me cry, because I hate that word – PITY.

You know, I can’t understand myself most of the time. I want to be noticed, the attraction, attentions, but on the contrary, half of my self doesn’t like that at all! When I’m alone and no one seems to notice that I’m not in the mood, I feel like…dying. Its because being alone is so sorrowful…so lonely, kanashii…kanashii..honto ni kanashii. It’s really painful, if only they know. Most of the time I locked myself inside a room, just drawing anime characters and etcetera, making stories and poems, reading novels, and even singing all alone! But no one in my family knows that, even friends. No one knows that I love writing; they didn’t know that I have some specialty and liking in writing stories, fanfictions or fictions, even poems. They never KNEW…because they never ASK. They never ask for my feelings and likings, besides even if they would, they would never appreciate it for sure. If sometimes they could appreciate some of my works, there are still those comparing. They would compare my works to HER and HIS, from them to them…I hate that, does they even know? Have they realized that what they’re doing is making me feel the PAIN?

Do they even know that every tine I draw, every time I’m holding a pen and notes while sitting in a corner – are the times that I feel Lonely and Sad? Do they know about that? The answer is, NO. Some would even scold me because I’m just sitting without helping, sitting the whole day without any help have done, how cruel. I’m SAD when I’m like that, can’t they notice it? I need their attention and care every time I’m like that, does they even care? I want their attention, no matter who that person is…but if I want to be noticed I will want them to give me their FULL attention, their full care, their full love…not just half hearted. Not pity. Not Lies. Please, don’t lie at me….just don’t. I feel like I’m idiot if that’s the case, feels like I’m not trustworthy. I lie myself; I lie even to myself… that’s why I don’t want them to lie at me…because everyone will do the same. All of them will DO THE SAME. Humans, are LIARS…I dislike them because of that…I dislike myself too.

Ehhh???? I am so confusing, aren’t I? Oh well, call me an Idiot, Dummy, Stupid, Crazy, Bastard, Bitch, and all the foul descriptions from A to Z…but THIS IS ME. This is how I used to be, this is what I am…no one can ever change that. Even ME.

Seems that I’m really a bad girl right? I hate myself and I hate them too…I hate everything that surrounds me. I hate humans. I hate liars (me). They suffocate me; I feel that I’m a bird inside a huge cage - unable to fly to her own free will. And I dislike discrimination so much, from poor to rich, fame, ugly from pretty, comparing white from black skin tone, from top to down, good and bad and everything else that discriminates each of us. For me, it’s a barrier that stops us -HUMANS- to unite as one. A barrier.

I hate everything…everything…see? I’m a bad child right? Ahh ~ so it seems.

I'm Strange...aren't I?

2009-02-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hmnnn...errr How shall I put and say this. Ahh never mind me. And if ever you have read my posts here, just let it be OKAY? That's my true feelings,. my real self. Ah I hate pretentious, yes, but it depends on the person. And don't worry, that doesn't include my ONLINE friends and blah blah. What Im referring here are those people around me, what Im trying to say is that I don't like my environment here, its creepy. It gives me bad feelings all the time. Ah, you might hate me for misjudging others but whether believe it or not - I really can tell when they LIE or do PRETEND at ME. That's why I hate it, really hate it.

I'm strange, in some other way. WHY? Because even me myself sometimes can't understand MY OWN SELF at all! My what a difficult attitude. I wonder why. Those people around me seems a TOTAL stranger to me, why is it always like that? my........

I want a new beginning. Well, actually the only source of my strenght is the INTERNET. Because I could do lots and various things here, unlike in my usual daily routine - which is too boring that leads to stress. Not boring, but aw how should I say this. I hate myself - but I love myself. OMG which is the real thing!!! Im totally confused in this life of mine....Uhm, maybe...Im a narcissist, or AM I? nah....

Anyway, my LIFE starts here. Soshite, it will END here. I live in this world because this is the only way I could achieve a little bit happiness. WHY? Because I could watch my favorite singers, jrockers, animes, read manga and etc here! Ahhh ~ they're my life. Here I could Write stories, fanfics and gain OL friends (which I found much more trustworthy rather than my friends here...nah bcoz they're plastics! HOw awful it must be.)

I want a peaceful UNITED WORLD. Yeah, really. Who doesn't anyway? haha.

Valentines Day..hateful day

2009-02-15T06:59:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day....

What a lovely day that is, well at least for those who have lovers and love of their life. This is a lovely month, but as for me. I simply hate it. Not because I don't have someone I could share this occasion but because I used to have that someone whom in the contrary betrayed me in the end. Do you know what happened? Firstly, I used to love somebody and thought its pure. But when we got separated because my family moves to another place...faraway from that somebody's place, just after a month or so I have heard a news from my friends who lives there that my boyfriend told them that we broke up already. Itai!(ouch) I even don't know when we broke up! Ouch, that really hurts and pierced my heart. My boyfriend denied me. And so that's my first love turned into a hateful memory.

So when we transferred in our new home, I started a new life. I can move on, yah know. I am not that kind of a girl who would cry and locked herself in an isolated room mourning and crying just because I was dumped by a stupid kareshi!(boyfriend) What am I, stupid? Gosh...

Sou, sou...(So..) not just a month living in our new katei (home) someone courted me. And I accepted him without thinking and without love. Of course, to show off to that stupid guy that I don't need anymore a moron like him who would deny a girlfriend, disgusting guy. NOt just that but because I want to show to him that I can replace him anytime, you pitied now the guy who courted me right? Because I used him as replacement? Yada! Because I know in the first place that he was the one who used me (and not me who used him) WHY? Because he was being dumped too and want to use me as well, hahaha. SOshite (and) he's a PERVERT. That's why right after he attempt to kiss me without my permission - I broke up with him. My, I don't need a perverted man! Totally NO.

Guys are THE SAME. LIAR. PERVERT. They want nothing but physical appearance. I hate it. I despised that kind of a man. Never I would dream to marry if that's the case. Oh well, in fact I never plan to marry. That will ruin my ALREADY RUINED LIFE.

Last last november, a guy courted me again. Oh my, what he wants from me now! To make it short, I accepted him just bcoz I gave myself another chance to trust. But then we broke up after a month. He used me to cover up his unrequited love of my classmate. Just because he knows he doesn't have any chance from that girl he swap his feelings at me. Im not dumb not to notice it. I know everything even without them saying it, I can feel their feelings. I am used to it. Because I am surrounded with LIARS. Yappari!

Definitely, this world needs a proper REVOLUTION.

And there's the fourth guy,...were lovers for almost two months and I thought he's the one. I thought yeah, but deep inside I know we wont last even a year. I have this feelings that we will end breaking up the same before.

Soredeha, (well then) Yappari! (as I have thought) Its the same. WE BROKE UP. No, I broke up with him. I broke up with him just this January. WHY? Because he is too popular in girls and he is too flirty with them. HUh, too full of himself, too proud of himself, too confident of himself...He's boasting his physical features, what a lame attitude! Just because girls PRAISE him though those girls knew that he has a GF already(that's me), they're still too clingy. Ew, I wanted to spill out blood. I can't stand that guy, his too ****.... I despised him for that.

Sate (well).....actually I never hated him, Im the one who broke up in the first place. Demo, (but) I never thought that this shocking, multi-awarded unexpected news will come up! Not just a week we broke up I heard the news that my EX 4th BF kissed another girl during our LOVE DAY PROGRAM (just this friday)! And moreover, its a freshman student, the younger sister of my boy classmate! What the **** he's a child molester! It shocked me for real! I was totally NUMB after hearing that, how could he do that though we've just broke up? AH, well, as expected from him. I emailed him saying hateful words, cursed him, and so so. But not because Im jealous, the reason why I sent him cursing emails is that because I regretted that I accepted him before. I told him in the emails that I despised him, I regreted for being his GF and so so. I even put ewwwww there! haha.

That's why I hate Valentines Day.

Because it will just gives me a headache remembering those despicable memories. I dont even want to think about it, but can't help it. I love thinking it too. WHY? Because it will remind me that GUYS are the same. Not all. But most of them. That serves me A LESSON.

NEVER EVER BELIEVE ON THEM.

Kami-sama (God), forgive me for being like this. OMIGOD, I can't help. I just simply hate LIARS, and humans around me. They're irratates me and they're soooo pretentious beings! Just so what I hate most in the world. I hate MEN. But oh well, that doesnt includes the anime/manga guys! haha! Because I prefer to fall in love in anime rather than a human one. Dakara, I am so contradicting!

AHHH~ Im such a narcissist.....I hate Valentines, I hate LOVE. I hate everything that's what Im seeing, bcoz those are full of sorrowness.

I love only myself. I dont trust anyone anymore, I trust no more. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary yah know. I want everybody around me to SMILE, I want their SMILING FACE not their FROWNED BROWS! But behold, if you'll just give me a smile which is totallo fake then better frown your face, dear! Because I hate fake smiles. And dont understimate ME. I know whether its fake or not, I can tell when you lie or not, I can sense when you do care or pretend. I know you more than you know yourself. I am your worst nightmare, you will never want me to visit you in your dreams. SO beeee good to me. ANd I'll be good to you.
ANyway, I know who you are. I can tell what you are, what your motives are. But....the only problem in me is that - I dont know myself anymore. It seems I have forgot caring for myself, what am I...

I LOVE ME. I am a narcissist after all.

Lady In Red

2009-02-11T04:43:00.000-08:00

I live in this WORLD. But as much as I'm concerned, I don't like the way it is managed. I've been living for several years from now, but though I'm still 17, for me I don't like the way and the happenings I've been seeing. Everything is not enough for me, I craved for one thing and nothing else. To live happily and freely according to my own will. But, I am not.

I want my countrymen to live with a smile on their face, I want them to feel the happiness that they deserved, I want us all to be happy and to live freely, I don't want to suffer till the end of our time, suffer no more, but for me, the only ones who could do that are those people who are laying on their bed of golds. I pitied myself and I pitied those families who eats just once a day just enough to feed their hunger, street children who knows nothing but offering their small palms among others, begging and lowing themselves. But what I hate most is that some are just passing by with them and they would even get mad and what else? People see them as trash, filthy, criminals and low life creatures, avoiding them as if they contains contagious diseases. I hate people like that. They don't know what kind of life those people were in. Those people who lives in good environment, they would never understand the way how cruel life is, they would never learn to understand the sufferings of those people and children who seek for love, attentions, well-family, and shelter where they could feel the love of their families. SO many of them will never understand the cruelty.

I often wondered, why is it like this? Why can't just people live together in peace and unison? Why there is always discrimination? I thought that word was gone a long time ago, but I was wrong. I'm totally wrong. Discrimination is a word that would never vanished, a kind of treatment that will continue to soar and that is the truth that will never be kept hidden forever. Even now, all I can see is discrimination, no one lives in the same level and no one dares to be leveled among the person they despised and discriminated. How awful this world is. That is all I can see. Government are not making their ROLES to the fullest, they are CORRUPT, they're not serious about helping my country, are they? Could someone tell me that they are, and explain to me on how? I challenge you to and if you will give me enough reason, then I must applaud you.
This world, the modern world...is rotten increasingly. And I bet no one knows and realized about that TRUTH. No one. And if there is, I will highly appreciate them, praise them, and must applaud them. For they have seen the way my own eyes are seeing and observing. They have understand the way I am believing.

I am not critisizing. Am I? No, I am not. Because I am just telling the way I feel and the way I used to live. I am just being realistic. This is the way I am seeing the world, my country and those people around me. Everyday, I smile fakely. Everyday, I keep pretending that its OK. Everyday, I suffer. I suffer because I can't express and tell frankly the way I feel, the way I see things afraid that they will laught at me, afraid that no one would dare to understand the way I am believing, afraid that people would just ignore. I am damned TIRED of it, I'm tired for all of it. Ignoring the feelings of other, so awful. Even FRIENDS on this generation are fakes. Friends who smile at you and will badmouth you when you're out of their sight, what kind of humans are they? Are they're even humans? I despised them.

All I know, no more smiles that are pure hearted.

People who will read this will somehow despised me and the way I am thinking. But despised me as much as you can, why would I bother? This is me, and this is the way I used to believe and see. This is the painful truth I am clinging into. And I couldn't escape from that fact. NEVER I would dare to escape.

I am a girl who seek for enough and proper JUSTICE. I am a girl who is left alone in the corner counting the useless days that passed, a girl who will be never understand by her own family, a girl who is always the culprit in everything, the greatest antagonist and the worst nightmare. Behold, because no one would dare to understand the way I am me.

I am writing this because this is my personal online diary. I could never write this is in my notebook, my family members who would find it will laugh at me. It is beneficial for me to write my feelings and believes in here because no one would know who is me, who am I.
I am just an unknown existence. And leave it be that way.

For I am, your worst nightmare.

**********