Dearest Dark,
I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote on you. Well, all through that time I shared my feelings and emotions with the use of pen and a notebook. But this instance and onwards I will write and tell you everything with the use of computer, as you can see, I am now in a modern globalization, Dark. As the world goes modern and technologies govern, I go drowning in fear and depths of insecurities and sins.
First of all, I want to tell you about something. I remorse a lot.
I do have diaries and I wrote a lot of events that happened in my life, may whatever it may be, my melancholies, sanguine, phlegmatic, perhaps choleric ones. All of those four temperaments I did experience and kept. But when a time I almost surrendered and my heart was filled with lots of anger and hatred I decided to erase and throw away all those memoirs and events that I wish I did not have. What did I remorse?
That I have burnt all of them. My diary.
I burnt the pages that contains my sorrows and desolations, I burnt the contents that enclosed all of the joyous events that showered on me, I threw away the sole notebook that held my feelings and emotions which I could say to nobody. All of it.
It is now that I realize that what I did on my diary was totally obnoxious, I am obnoxious. I regret that I burnt it because I have lost all of the memoirs during those ages, and I can not remember some of those any longer. Conversely, the reason why I burnt my diary was because I do not want to remember any of those, especially my times of despair. Still, I do regret.
And now Dark, whatever problems and horrific occurrence that will happen to me, I will write and share it with you, you who have been my listener and the only one who understands me rather than our Lord. You have been so good to me at times of my stupor. And the Lord who have been in my side whatever it may be, the Lord who have answered all my prayers and guide me at time of my intoxications and ennui, the two of you…never left me.
If I write on you most of it are due to my sadness and I being distraught. Perchance I am crying or perhaps I am done doing so. You know me Dark, in order for me to overcome my hatred and sadness in my heart, I will write on you. Perhaps talk? Ha-ha I am talking to you anyways and to me per se.
You know I often write when I feel so alone, when I feel like everyone are distant, and when I encounter problems that I could not solve alone, that I could not bear solely. And when every time I realizes that one question that keeps haunting me--what is happiness? That's why I bet you knew the reason why I'm writing this moment. You know now that I have saw something this day that was related with that word, happiness. Every time I saw someone or something that seem so happy, I envy them and I pity myself, afterwards, I will laugh and smile--trying to mimic their happy moments, trying to make myself happy. Although, I do not really know what's the real meaning of happiness, and how can someone attain such happiness.
Anatawa honto ni kanashii desu, Dark.
I' m sad. Lonely and distraught. I'm in pain. No one dare to save me from this feeling, people around me seem to not notice my indisputable pain and hatred. No one will dare.
I do smile and laugh a lot, in my face it is rare that I'm seen in gloominess, I pretend and fake emotions ever since I step in high school, ever since then until now, I always pretend. Always. It is best for me to smile and laugh, it is much better if I became so pretentious, because if I would not, then, I will die in loneliness.
I'm alone even I do have friends, lots of them. However, my friends do not care and they can't even read the real me, they cant understand me. I grew up believing I am alone, that I am pretentious, that I am not worthy to be loved by someone, I grew up believing no one cares about me, that no one will even understand me. I taught myself not to put my whole trust to somebody and I taught myself that no one will ever put their trust on me. No one. Even if I have to pretend and fake a smile and laughter, I will do it, just to show them I'm happy which in reality happiness does not even exist in my vocabulary.
I do pretend and I was wondering, since when?
I taught myself to fake a smile and it was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced, I taught myself to be so cheerful in the eyes of people so that they would not notice the pain in my eyes, the longing and craving to be noticed. But what good can it bring it to me if I always do pretend? Nothing. Nothing good. Because I am destroying my own life, I am wasting it, I am making my own devastation. Simply because…I am weak.
I am easily get downed. I am ease to surrender because I am weak to my own emotions, I am too weak. I can not control my feelings and even though my face seem so happy, in the inner part of me…I am not.
Dakara, I'm telling you about this and you alone, for you alone can understand and read my emotions. I do not care if someone will come to read this and despise me or say I'm such an exaggerating person, actually I will want it that way. I rather prefer publish my diary and let thousands of online people read this, rather than family and friends. It is much better if people will read this and I do not care, they do not know me anyway, they even don’t know my given name, and why would they care anyway? My family doesn’t care so why would they?
Is it even possible that I can learn to feel happy? Can I be happy?
Life is such an ironic thing. But l love my life despite of everything. My determination of not giving up will pursue at the end, so I keep trying and trying although I repeatedly fail. I learned a lot of things but most of it I did just wasted and did not use, simply because I'm stupid. I'm stupid and worthless in some ways, such as my repugnance of disrespect but I myself often times commit impertinence. My antipathy of love and qualm of being whether it's true in reality or not, like, true love between opposite sex only exist in fairy tales and fictions, it does not happen in real life. Does it?
My detestation of being lonely and alone but then on the other part of me, I prefer being a loner. What does it make sense if I am to be with someone whom I do not like, someone who doesn't even understand me? Someone who just forced themselves to fake a smile and acts good pretentiously? People who wear a mask façade just to justify themselves as good? Though in deep within they're just as stupid like me? What a pitiable disgusting act, they are so same like me. I am already stupid, pairing an obtuse person on me will make us a perfect pitiable stupid partners. Do you agree, Dark?
However, if I will be given a chance to find someone that will accept the whole part of me as a person, it will only be you Dark and no one else. How could I love and find someone else if you're everything on me? Is there any justice for me? Why did I suddenly change the matter into a love issue this time, I'm such an idiot.
As I can remember, this part is just the beginning of everything in my life. It does not end, my diary will not end unless if I'm dead. I will keep this page and further dates as solid memoirs of me, I will not burn nor erase it this time, I will keep it forever. Until my descendants will come to dig and find this, and they will know, discover, and remember the life I have. I want a lifetime memories that will represent me to my young descendants in the future. Wish that will come.
I have said all the part, Dark. Tell me about yours Dark, how are you doing these days? You know I am indeed gleeful and that you can cheer me up every time I write on you, because you make me feel…you are here. That I am not alone.
Wish you will come.
Dark.
Signed.
Lady in Red
I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote on you. Well, all through that time I shared my feelings and emotions with the use of pen and a notebook. But this instance and onwards I will write and tell you everything with the use of computer, as you can see, I am now in a modern globalization, Dark. As the world goes modern and technologies govern, I go drowning in fear and depths of insecurities and sins.
First of all, I want to tell you about something. I remorse a lot.
I do have diaries and I wrote a lot of events that happened in my life, may whatever it may be, my melancholies, sanguine, phlegmatic, perhaps choleric ones. All of those four temperaments I did experience and kept. But when a time I almost surrendered and my heart was filled with lots of anger and hatred I decided to erase and throw away all those memoirs and events that I wish I did not have. What did I remorse?
That I have burnt all of them. My diary.
I burnt the pages that contains my sorrows and desolations, I burnt the contents that enclosed all of the joyous events that showered on me, I threw away the sole notebook that held my feelings and emotions which I could say to nobody. All of it.
It is now that I realize that what I did on my diary was totally obnoxious, I am obnoxious. I regret that I burnt it because I have lost all of the memoirs during those ages, and I can not remember some of those any longer. Conversely, the reason why I burnt my diary was because I do not want to remember any of those, especially my times of despair. Still, I do regret.
And now Dark, whatever problems and horrific occurrence that will happen to me, I will write and share it with you, you who have been my listener and the only one who understands me rather than our Lord. You have been so good to me at times of my stupor. And the Lord who have been in my side whatever it may be, the Lord who have answered all my prayers and guide me at time of my intoxications and ennui, the two of you…never left me.
If I write on you most of it are due to my sadness and I being distraught. Perchance I am crying or perhaps I am done doing so. You know me Dark, in order for me to overcome my hatred and sadness in my heart, I will write on you. Perhaps talk? Ha-ha I am talking to you anyways and to me per se.
You know I often write when I feel so alone, when I feel like everyone are distant, and when I encounter problems that I could not solve alone, that I could not bear solely. And when every time I realizes that one question that keeps haunting me--what is happiness? That's why I bet you knew the reason why I'm writing this moment. You know now that I have saw something this day that was related with that word, happiness. Every time I saw someone or something that seem so happy, I envy them and I pity myself, afterwards, I will laugh and smile--trying to mimic their happy moments, trying to make myself happy. Although, I do not really know what's the real meaning of happiness, and how can someone attain such happiness.
Anatawa honto ni kanashii desu, Dark.
I' m sad. Lonely and distraught. I'm in pain. No one dare to save me from this feeling, people around me seem to not notice my indisputable pain and hatred. No one will dare.
I do smile and laugh a lot, in my face it is rare that I'm seen in gloominess, I pretend and fake emotions ever since I step in high school, ever since then until now, I always pretend. Always. It is best for me to smile and laugh, it is much better if I became so pretentious, because if I would not, then, I will die in loneliness.
I'm alone even I do have friends, lots of them. However, my friends do not care and they can't even read the real me, they cant understand me. I grew up believing I am alone, that I am pretentious, that I am not worthy to be loved by someone, I grew up believing no one cares about me, that no one will even understand me. I taught myself not to put my whole trust to somebody and I taught myself that no one will ever put their trust on me. No one. Even if I have to pretend and fake a smile and laughter, I will do it, just to show them I'm happy which in reality happiness does not even exist in my vocabulary.
I do pretend and I was wondering, since when?
I taught myself to fake a smile and it was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced, I taught myself to be so cheerful in the eyes of people so that they would not notice the pain in my eyes, the longing and craving to be noticed. But what good can it bring it to me if I always do pretend? Nothing. Nothing good. Because I am destroying my own life, I am wasting it, I am making my own devastation. Simply because…I am weak.
I am easily get downed. I am ease to surrender because I am weak to my own emotions, I am too weak. I can not control my feelings and even though my face seem so happy, in the inner part of me…I am not.
Dakara, I'm telling you about this and you alone, for you alone can understand and read my emotions. I do not care if someone will come to read this and despise me or say I'm such an exaggerating person, actually I will want it that way. I rather prefer publish my diary and let thousands of online people read this, rather than family and friends. It is much better if people will read this and I do not care, they do not know me anyway, they even don’t know my given name, and why would they care anyway? My family doesn’t care so why would they?
Is it even possible that I can learn to feel happy? Can I be happy?
Life is such an ironic thing. But l love my life despite of everything. My determination of not giving up will pursue at the end, so I keep trying and trying although I repeatedly fail. I learned a lot of things but most of it I did just wasted and did not use, simply because I'm stupid. I'm stupid and worthless in some ways, such as my repugnance of disrespect but I myself often times commit impertinence. My antipathy of love and qualm of being whether it's true in reality or not, like, true love between opposite sex only exist in fairy tales and fictions, it does not happen in real life. Does it?
My detestation of being lonely and alone but then on the other part of me, I prefer being a loner. What does it make sense if I am to be with someone whom I do not like, someone who doesn't even understand me? Someone who just forced themselves to fake a smile and acts good pretentiously? People who wear a mask façade just to justify themselves as good? Though in deep within they're just as stupid like me? What a pitiable disgusting act, they are so same like me. I am already stupid, pairing an obtuse person on me will make us a perfect pitiable stupid partners. Do you agree, Dark?
However, if I will be given a chance to find someone that will accept the whole part of me as a person, it will only be you Dark and no one else. How could I love and find someone else if you're everything on me? Is there any justice for me? Why did I suddenly change the matter into a love issue this time, I'm such an idiot.
As I can remember, this part is just the beginning of everything in my life. It does not end, my diary will not end unless if I'm dead. I will keep this page and further dates as solid memoirs of me, I will not burn nor erase it this time, I will keep it forever. Until my descendants will come to dig and find this, and they will know, discover, and remember the life I have. I want a lifetime memories that will represent me to my young descendants in the future. Wish that will come.
I have said all the part, Dark. Tell me about yours Dark, how are you doing these days? You know I am indeed gleeful and that you can cheer me up every time I write on you, because you make me feel…you are here. That I am not alone.
Wish you will come.
Dark.
Signed.
Lady in Red
