Iris

I just want you to know who I am...
I derived that line from a song titled IRIS, I really love that song. Its because I could see myself in that song, the meaning of it is very related to me...ahhh...that is so true and wonderful song.

Yeah, definitely. I want you and the others to know the real me, I want them to understand me even for just once. But even my family seems to misunderstand and misjudge me; they always put me into false judgments, even me myself…I often wonder why. You know, the life I am now, the ME I am now, the attitude I have now is not the real me. It seems that I do always pretend… pretend to smile and be happy though I am not…pretend I am strong and don’t need help though absolutely I am craving for their help… Maybe because I don’t like them to think that I’m weak (emotionally not physically), I don’t want them to see me cry, because I hate that word – PITY.

You know, I can’t understand myself most of the time. I want to be noticed, the attraction, attentions, but on the contrary, half of my self doesn’t like that at all! When I’m alone and no one seems to notice that I’m not in the mood, I feel like…dying. Its because being alone is so sorrowful…so lonely, kanashii…kanashii..honto ni kanashii. It’s really painful, if only they know. Most of the time I locked myself inside a room, just drawing anime characters and etcetera, making stories and poems, reading novels, and even singing all alone! But no one in my family knows that, even friends. No one knows that I love writing; they didn’t know that I have some specialty and liking in writing stories, fanfictions or fictions, even poems. They never KNEW…because they never ASK. They never ask for my feelings and likings, besides even if they would, they would never appreciate it for sure. If sometimes they could appreciate some of my works, there are still those comparing. They would compare my works to HER and HIS, from them to them…I hate that, does they even know? Have they realized that what they’re doing is making me feel the PAIN?

Do they even know that every tine I draw, every time I’m holding a pen and notes while sitting in a corner – are the times that I feel Lonely and Sad? Do they know about that? The answer is, NO. Some would even scold me because I’m just sitting without helping, sitting the whole day without any help have done, how cruel. I’m SAD when I’m like that, can’t they notice it? I need their attention and care every time I’m like that, does they even care? I want their attention, no matter who that person is…but if I want to be noticed I will want them to give me their FULL attention, their full care, their full love…not just half hearted. Not pity. Not Lies. Please, don’t lie at me….just don’t. I feel like I’m idiot if that’s the case, feels like I’m not trustworthy. I lie myself; I lie even to myself… that’s why I don’t want them to lie at me…because everyone will do the same. All of them will DO THE SAME. Humans, are LIARS…I dislike them because of that…I dislike myself too.

Ehhh???? I am so confusing, aren’t I? Oh well, call me an Idiot, Dummy, Stupid, Crazy, Bastard, Bitch, and all the foul descriptions from A to Z…but THIS IS ME. This is how I used to be, this is what I am…no one can ever change that. Even ME.

Seems that I’m really a bad girl right? I hate myself and I hate them too…I hate everything that surrounds me. I hate humans. I hate liars (me). They suffocate me; I feel that I’m a bird inside a huge cage - unable to fly to her own free will. And I dislike discrimination so much, from poor to rich, fame, ugly from pretty, comparing white from black skin tone, from top to down, good and bad and everything else that discriminates each of us. For me, it’s a barrier that stops us -HUMANS- to unite as one. A barrier.

I hate everything…everything…see? I’m a bad child right? Ahh ~ so it seems.