I'm Strange...aren't I?

Hmnnn...errr How shall I put and say this. Ahh never mind me. And if ever you have read my posts here, just let it be OKAY? That's my true feelings,. my real self. Ah I hate pretentious, yes, but it depends on the person. And don't worry, that doesn't include my ONLINE friends and blah blah. What Im referring here are those people around me, what Im trying to say is that I don't like my environment here, its creepy. It gives me bad feelings all the time. Ah, you might hate me for misjudging others but whether believe it or not - I really can tell when they LIE or do PRETEND at ME. That's why I hate it, really hate it.

I'm strange, in some other way. WHY? Because even me myself sometimes can't understand MY OWN SELF at all! My what a difficult attitude. I wonder why. Those people around me seems a TOTAL stranger to me, why is it always like that? my........

I want a new beginning. Well, actually the only source of my strenght is the INTERNET. Because I could do lots and various things here, unlike in my usual daily routine - which is too boring that leads to stress. Not boring, but aw how should I say this. I hate myself - but I love myself. OMG which is the real thing!!! Im totally confused in this life of mine....Uhm, maybe...Im a narcissist, or AM I? nah....

Anyway, my LIFE starts here. Soshite, it will END here. I live in this world because this is the only way I could achieve a little bit happiness. WHY? Because I could watch my favorite singers, jrockers, animes, read manga and etc here! Ahhh ~ they're my life. Here I could Write stories, fanfics and gain OL friends (which I found much more trustworthy rather than my friends here...nah bcoz they're plastics! HOw awful it must be.)

I want a peaceful UNITED WORLD. Yeah, really. Who doesn't anyway? haha.

Valentines Day..hateful day

Valentines Day....

What a lovely day that is, well at least for those who have lovers and love of their life. This is a lovely month, but as for me. I simply hate it. Not because I don't have someone I could share this occasion but because I used to have that someone whom in the contrary betrayed me in the end. Do you know what happened? Firstly, I used to love somebody and thought its pure. But when we got separated because my family moves to another place...faraway from that somebody's place, just after a month or so I have heard a news from my friends who lives there that my boyfriend told them that we broke up already. Itai!(ouch) I even don't know when we broke up! Ouch, that really hurts and pierced my heart. My boyfriend denied me. And so that's my first love turned into a hateful memory.

So when we transferred in our new home, I started a new life. I can move on, yah know. I am not that kind of a girl who would cry and locked herself in an isolated room mourning and crying just because I was dumped by a stupid kareshi!(boyfriend) What am I, stupid? Gosh...

Sou, sou...(So..) not just a month living in our new katei (home) someone courted me. And I accepted him without thinking and without love. Of course, to show off to that stupid guy that I don't need anymore a moron like him who would deny a girlfriend, disgusting guy. NOt just that but because I want to show to him that I can replace him anytime, you pitied now the guy who courted me right? Because I used him as replacement? Yada! Because I know in the first place that he was the one who used me (and not me who used him) WHY? Because he was being dumped too and want to use me as well, hahaha. SOshite (and) he's a PERVERT. That's why right after he attempt to kiss me without my permission - I broke up with him. My, I don't need a perverted man! Totally NO.

Guys are THE SAME. LIAR. PERVERT. They want nothing but physical appearance. I hate it. I despised that kind of a man. Never I would dream to marry if that's the case. Oh well, in fact I never plan to marry. That will ruin my ALREADY RUINED LIFE.

Last last november, a guy courted me again. Oh my, what he wants from me now! To make it short, I accepted him just bcoz I gave myself another chance to trust. But then we broke up after a month. He used me to cover up his unrequited love of my classmate. Just because he knows he doesn't have any chance from that girl he swap his feelings at me. Im not dumb not to notice it. I know everything even without them saying it, I can feel their feelings. I am used to it. Because I am surrounded with LIARS. Yappari!

Definitely, this world needs a proper REVOLUTION.

And there's the fourth guy,...were lovers for almost two months and I thought he's the one. I thought yeah, but deep inside I know we wont last even a year. I have this feelings that we will end breaking up the same before.

Soredeha, (well then) Yappari! (as I have thought) Its the same. WE BROKE UP. No, I broke up with him. I broke up with him just this January. WHY? Because he is too popular in girls and he is too flirty with them. HUh, too full of himself, too proud of himself, too confident of himself...He's boasting his physical features, what a lame attitude! Just because girls PRAISE him though those girls knew that he has a GF already(that's me), they're still too clingy. Ew, I wanted to spill out blood. I can't stand that guy, his too ****.... I despised him for that.

Sate (well).....actually I never hated him, Im the one who broke up in the first place. Demo, (but) I never thought that this shocking, multi-awarded unexpected news will come up! Not just a week we broke up I heard the news that my EX 4th BF kissed another girl during our LOVE DAY PROGRAM (just this friday)! And moreover, its a freshman student, the younger sister of my boy classmate! What the **** he's a child molester! It shocked me for real! I was totally NUMB after hearing that, how could he do that though we've just broke up? AH, well, as expected from him. I emailed him saying hateful words, cursed him, and so so. But not because Im jealous, the reason why I sent him cursing emails is that because I regretted that I accepted him before. I told him in the emails that I despised him, I regreted for being his GF and so so. I even put ewwwww there! haha.

That's why I hate Valentines Day.

Because it will just gives me a headache remembering those despicable memories. I dont even want to think about it, but can't help it. I love thinking it too. WHY? Because it will remind me that GUYS are the same. Not all. But most of them. That serves me A LESSON.

NEVER EVER BELIEVE ON THEM.

Kami-sama (God), forgive me for being like this. OMIGOD, I can't help. I just simply hate LIARS, and humans around me. They're irratates me and they're soooo pretentious beings! Just so what I hate most in the world. I hate MEN. But oh well, that doesnt includes the anime/manga guys! haha! Because I prefer to fall in love in anime rather than a human one. Dakara, I am so contradicting!

AHHH~ Im such a narcissist.....I hate Valentines, I hate LOVE. I hate everything that's what Im seeing, bcoz those are full of sorrowness.

I love only myself. I dont trust anyone anymore, I trust no more. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary yah know. I want everybody around me to SMILE, I want their SMILING FACE not their FROWNED BROWS! But behold, if you'll just give me a smile which is totallo fake then better frown your face, dear! Because I hate fake smiles. And dont understimate ME. I know whether its fake or not, I can tell when you lie or not, I can sense when you do care or pretend. I know you more than you know yourself. I am your worst nightmare, you will never want me to visit you in your dreams. SO beeee good to me. ANd I'll be good to you.
ANyway, I know who you are. I can tell what you are, what your motives are. But....the only problem in me is that - I dont know myself anymore. It seems I have forgot caring for myself, what am I...

I LOVE ME. I am a narcissist after all.

Lady In Red

I live in this WORLD. But as much as I'm concerned, I don't like the way it is managed. I've been living for several years from now, but though I'm still 17, for me I don't like the way and the happenings I've been seeing. Everything is not enough for me, I craved for one thing and nothing else. To live happily and freely according to my own will. But, I am not.

I want my countrymen to live with a smile on their face, I want them to feel the happiness that they deserved, I want us all to be happy and to live freely, I don't want to suffer till the end of our time, suffer no more, but for me, the only ones who could do that are those people who are laying on their bed of golds. I pitied myself and I pitied those families who eats just once a day just enough to feed their hunger, street children who knows nothing but offering their small palms among others, begging and lowing themselves. But what I hate most is that some are just passing by with them and they would even get mad and what else? People see them as trash, filthy, criminals and low life creatures, avoiding them as if they contains contagious diseases. I hate people like that. They don't know what kind of life those people were in. Those people who lives in good environment, they would never understand the way how cruel life is, they would never learn to understand the sufferings of those people and children who seek for love, attentions, well-family, and shelter where they could feel the love of their families. SO many of them will never understand the cruelty.

I often wondered, why is it like this? Why can't just people live together in peace and unison? Why there is always discrimination? I thought that word was gone a long time ago, but I was wrong. I'm totally wrong. Discrimination is a word that would never vanished, a kind of treatment that will continue to soar and that is the truth that will never be kept hidden forever. Even now, all I can see is discrimination, no one lives in the same level and no one dares to be leveled among the person they despised and discriminated. How awful this world is. That is all I can see. Government are not making their ROLES to the fullest, they are CORRUPT, they're not serious about helping my country, are they? Could someone tell me that they are, and explain to me on how? I challenge you to and if you will give me enough reason, then I must applaud you.
This world, the modern world...is rotten increasingly. And I bet no one knows and realized about that TRUTH. No one. And if there is, I will highly appreciate them, praise them, and must applaud them. For they have seen the way my own eyes are seeing and observing. They have understand the way I am believing.

I am not critisizing. Am I? No, I am not. Because I am just telling the way I feel and the way I used to live. I am just being realistic. This is the way I am seeing the world, my country and those people around me. Everyday, I smile fakely. Everyday, I keep pretending that its OK. Everyday, I suffer. I suffer because I can't express and tell frankly the way I feel, the way I see things afraid that they will laught at me, afraid that no one would dare to understand the way I am believing, afraid that people would just ignore. I am damned TIRED of it, I'm tired for all of it. Ignoring the feelings of other, so awful. Even FRIENDS on this generation are fakes. Friends who smile at you and will badmouth you when you're out of their sight, what kind of humans are they? Are they're even humans? I despised them.

All I know, no more smiles that are pure hearted.

People who will read this will somehow despised me and the way I am thinking. But despised me as much as you can, why would I bother? This is me, and this is the way I used to believe and see. This is the painful truth I am clinging into. And I couldn't escape from that fact. NEVER I would dare to escape.

I am a girl who seek for enough and proper JUSTICE. I am a girl who is left alone in the corner counting the useless days that passed, a girl who will be never understand by her own family, a girl who is always the culprit in everything, the greatest antagonist and the worst nightmare. Behold, because no one would dare to understand the way I am me.

I am writing this because this is my personal online diary. I could never write this is in my notebook, my family members who would find it will laugh at me. It is beneficial for me to write my feelings and believes in here because no one would know who is me, who am I.
I am just an unknown existence. And leave it be that way.

For I am, your worst nightmare.

**********