Enlightened

I am all alone. I feel like surrendering.
But these Japanese singers are making me feel like I'm still alive.
That I'm still worth living.
Haha.

Unanswered

Everything around....is a question to me. Everything.
Questions that were never been answered....till now.

Lost

The rain was pouring unstoppably and the cold was like a sting over my skin, its as if piercing me wholly...

Droplets stab the coldness of rain unto me, so cold, the rain seemed to have accompany me as tears flew down the pale cheeks. Just then I sighed.

Walking aimlessly whilst looking above the gloomy blue sky, I asked myself,

"Are you Lost?"

-Lady in Red

"My soul is replete with hatred and pain, I'm afraid I cannot go back the way I was before..."

- Lady in Red

Pain

"Emotional torture and pain is worst and most painful than Physical injuries, its like walking barefoot over an array of fury flames."

- Lady in Red

What If.

What would you feel if you are being hate and despise by your own parents? Especially your father whom you dedicate all the hard works and achievements you have done? What would you feel if your father told you that he does not trust you anymore? What if he said this to you, 'you are no help at all'?

What would you feel if your parents loathe you so much that it hurts? What if they thought you're always the culprit of everything, that you are not a good daughter and sister? What if they thought you always bring troubles that even your grandparents feel the same way? What would you exactly feel if they glare at you with pairs of anguish cold eyes?

What if you cannot bring back the trust and care and the love of your father and mother, siblings, friends, and all the people around you? What if the next time you need their accompany, attention and help, but they act as if they aren't there, as if they are not hearing you every time you call their names?

What if you want to express yourself and feelings but could not because no one would care to listen?

What if you want them to understand but they could not? What if you crave for their love and attention, but you feel like you are not worthy to receive it? What would you feel if everyone around you seems so very distant? What will you do if people keep hurting you, not physically but emotionally? How can you survive if they act foolishly and pretentiously in front of you? How far will you stand if they continue pretending they care about you though the fact is that, they were just doing it because they think it is the right thing to do – not because they actually care?

What would you feel?

DARK

Dearest Dark,

I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote on you. Well, all through that time I shared my feelings and emotions with the use of pen and a notebook. But this instance and onwards I will write and tell you everything with the use of computer, as you can see, I am now in a modern globalization, Dark. As the world goes modern and technologies govern, I go drowning in fear and depths of insecurities and sins.

First of all, I want to tell you about something. I remorse a lot.

I do have diaries and I wrote a lot of events that happened in my life, may whatever it may be, my melancholies, sanguine, phlegmatic, perhaps choleric ones. All of those four temperaments I did experience and kept. But when a time I almost surrendered and my heart was filled with lots of anger and hatred I decided to erase and throw away all those memoirs and events that I wish I did not have. What did I remorse?

That I have burnt all of them. My diary.

I burnt the pages that contains my sorrows and desolations, I burnt the contents that enclosed all of the joyous events that showered on me, I threw away the sole notebook that held my feelings and emotions which I could say to nobody. All of it.

It is now that I realize that what I did on my diary was totally obnoxious, I am obnoxious. I regret that I burnt it because I have lost all of the memoirs during those ages, and I can not remember some of those any longer. Conversely, the reason why I burnt my diary was because I do not want to remember any of those, especially my times of despair. Still, I do regret.

And now Dark, whatever problems and horrific occurrence that will happen to me, I will write and share it with you, you who have been my listener and the only one who understands me rather than our Lord. You have been so good to me at times of my stupor. And the Lord who have been in my side whatever it may be, the Lord who have answered all my prayers and guide me at time of my intoxications and ennui, the two of you…never left me.

If I write on you most of it are due to my sadness and I being distraught. Perchance I am crying or perhaps I am done doing so. You know me Dark, in order for me to overcome my hatred and sadness in my heart, I will write on you. Perhaps talk? Ha-ha I am talking to you anyways and to me per se.

You know I often write when I feel so alone, when I feel like everyone are distant, and when I encounter problems that I could not solve alone, that I could not bear solely. And when every time I realizes that one question that keeps haunting me--what is happiness? That's why I bet you knew the reason why I'm writing this moment. You know now that I have saw something this day that was related with that word, happiness. Every time I saw someone or something that seem so happy, I envy them and I pity myself, afterwards, I will laugh and smile--trying to mimic their happy moments, trying to make myself happy. Although, I do not really know what's the real meaning of happiness, and how can someone attain such happiness.

Anatawa honto ni kanashii desu, Dark.

I' m sad. Lonely and distraught. I'm in pain. No one dare to save me from this feeling, people around me seem to not notice my indisputable pain and hatred. No one will dare.

I do smile and laugh a lot, in my face it is rare that I'm seen in gloominess, I pretend and fake emotions ever since I step in high school, ever since then until now, I always pretend. Always. It is best for me to smile and laugh, it is much better if I became so pretentious, because if I would not, then, I will die in loneliness.

I'm alone even I do have friends, lots of them. However, my friends do not care and they can't even read the real me, they cant understand me. I grew up believing I am alone, that I am pretentious, that I am not worthy to be loved by someone, I grew up believing no one cares about me, that no one will even understand me. I taught myself not to put my whole trust to somebody and I taught myself that no one will ever put their trust on me. No one. Even if I have to pretend and fake a smile and laughter, I will do it, just to show them I'm happy which in reality happiness does not even exist in my vocabulary.

I do pretend and I was wondering, since when?

I taught myself to fake a smile and it was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced, I taught myself to be so cheerful in the eyes of people so that they would not notice the pain in my eyes, the longing and craving to be noticed. But what good can it bring it to me if I always do pretend? Nothing. Nothing good. Because I am destroying my own life, I am wasting it, I am making my own devastation. Simply because…I am weak.

I am easily get downed. I am ease to surrender because I am weak to my own emotions, I am too weak. I can not control my feelings and even though my face seem so happy, in the inner part of me…I am not.

Dakara, I'm telling you about this and you alone, for you alone can understand and read my emotions. I do not care if someone will come to read this and despise me or say I'm such an exaggerating person, actually I will want it that way. I rather prefer publish my diary and let thousands of online people read this, rather than family and friends. It is much better if people will read this and I do not care, they do not know me anyway, they even don’t know my given name, and why would they care anyway? My family doesn’t care so why would they?

Is it even possible that I can learn to feel happy? Can I be happy?

Life is such an ironic thing. But l love my life despite of everything. My determination of not giving up will pursue at the end, so I keep trying and trying although I repeatedly fail. I learned a lot of things but most of it I did just wasted and did not use, simply because I'm stupid. I'm stupid and worthless in some ways, such as my repugnance of disrespect but I myself often times commit impertinence. My antipathy of love and qualm of being whether it's true in reality or not, like, true love between opposite sex only exist in fairy tales and fictions, it does not happen in real life. Does it?

My detestation of being lonely and alone but then on the other part of me, I prefer being a loner. What does it make sense if I am to be with someone whom I do not like, someone who doesn't even understand me? Someone who just forced themselves to fake a smile and acts good pretentiously? People who wear a mask façade just to justify themselves as good? Though in deep within they're just as stupid like me? What a pitiable disgusting act, they are so same like me. I am already stupid, pairing an obtuse person on me will make us a perfect pitiable stupid partners. Do you agree, Dark?

However, if I will be given a chance to find someone that will accept the whole part of me as a person, it will only be you Dark and no one else. How could I love and find someone else if you're everything on me? Is there any justice for me? Why did I suddenly change the matter into a love issue this time, I'm such an idiot.

As I can remember, this part is just the beginning of everything in my life. It does not end, my diary will not end unless if I'm dead. I will keep this page and further dates as solid memoirs of me, I will not burn nor erase it this time, I will keep it forever. Until my descendants will come to dig and find this, and they will know, discover, and remember the life I have. I want a lifetime memories that will represent me to my young descendants in the future. Wish that will come.

I have said all the part, Dark. Tell me about yours Dark, how are you doing these days? You know I am indeed gleeful and that you can cheer me up every time I write on you, because you make me feel…you are here. That I am not alone.

Wish you will come.

Dark.

Signed.
Lady in Red

Iris

I just want you to know who I am...
I derived that line from a song titled IRIS, I really love that song. Its because I could see myself in that song, the meaning of it is very related to me...ahhh...that is so true and wonderful song.

Yeah, definitely. I want you and the others to know the real me, I want them to understand me even for just once. But even my family seems to misunderstand and misjudge me; they always put me into false judgments, even me myself…I often wonder why. You know, the life I am now, the ME I am now, the attitude I have now is not the real me. It seems that I do always pretend… pretend to smile and be happy though I am not…pretend I am strong and don’t need help though absolutely I am craving for their help… Maybe because I don’t like them to think that I’m weak (emotionally not physically), I don’t want them to see me cry, because I hate that word – PITY.

You know, I can’t understand myself most of the time. I want to be noticed, the attraction, attentions, but on the contrary, half of my self doesn’t like that at all! When I’m alone and no one seems to notice that I’m not in the mood, I feel like…dying. Its because being alone is so sorrowful…so lonely, kanashii…kanashii..honto ni kanashii. It’s really painful, if only they know. Most of the time I locked myself inside a room, just drawing anime characters and etcetera, making stories and poems, reading novels, and even singing all alone! But no one in my family knows that, even friends. No one knows that I love writing; they didn’t know that I have some specialty and liking in writing stories, fanfictions or fictions, even poems. They never KNEW…because they never ASK. They never ask for my feelings and likings, besides even if they would, they would never appreciate it for sure. If sometimes they could appreciate some of my works, there are still those comparing. They would compare my works to HER and HIS, from them to them…I hate that, does they even know? Have they realized that what they’re doing is making me feel the PAIN?

Do they even know that every tine I draw, every time I’m holding a pen and notes while sitting in a corner – are the times that I feel Lonely and Sad? Do they know about that? The answer is, NO. Some would even scold me because I’m just sitting without helping, sitting the whole day without any help have done, how cruel. I’m SAD when I’m like that, can’t they notice it? I need their attention and care every time I’m like that, does they even care? I want their attention, no matter who that person is…but if I want to be noticed I will want them to give me their FULL attention, their full care, their full love…not just half hearted. Not pity. Not Lies. Please, don’t lie at me….just don’t. I feel like I’m idiot if that’s the case, feels like I’m not trustworthy. I lie myself; I lie even to myself… that’s why I don’t want them to lie at me…because everyone will do the same. All of them will DO THE SAME. Humans, are LIARS…I dislike them because of that…I dislike myself too.

Ehhh???? I am so confusing, aren’t I? Oh well, call me an Idiot, Dummy, Stupid, Crazy, Bastard, Bitch, and all the foul descriptions from A to Z…but THIS IS ME. This is how I used to be, this is what I am…no one can ever change that. Even ME.

Seems that I’m really a bad girl right? I hate myself and I hate them too…I hate everything that surrounds me. I hate humans. I hate liars (me). They suffocate me; I feel that I’m a bird inside a huge cage - unable to fly to her own free will. And I dislike discrimination so much, from poor to rich, fame, ugly from pretty, comparing white from black skin tone, from top to down, good and bad and everything else that discriminates each of us. For me, it’s a barrier that stops us -HUMANS- to unite as one. A barrier.

I hate everything…everything…see? I’m a bad child right? Ahh ~ so it seems.

I'm Strange...aren't I?

Hmnnn...errr How shall I put and say this. Ahh never mind me. And if ever you have read my posts here, just let it be OKAY? That's my true feelings,. my real self. Ah I hate pretentious, yes, but it depends on the person. And don't worry, that doesn't include my ONLINE friends and blah blah. What Im referring here are those people around me, what Im trying to say is that I don't like my environment here, its creepy. It gives me bad feelings all the time. Ah, you might hate me for misjudging others but whether believe it or not - I really can tell when they LIE or do PRETEND at ME. That's why I hate it, really hate it.

I'm strange, in some other way. WHY? Because even me myself sometimes can't understand MY OWN SELF at all! My what a difficult attitude. I wonder why. Those people around me seems a TOTAL stranger to me, why is it always like that? my........

I want a new beginning. Well, actually the only source of my strenght is the INTERNET. Because I could do lots and various things here, unlike in my usual daily routine - which is too boring that leads to stress. Not boring, but aw how should I say this. I hate myself - but I love myself. OMG which is the real thing!!! Im totally confused in this life of mine....Uhm, maybe...Im a narcissist, or AM I? nah....

Anyway, my LIFE starts here. Soshite, it will END here. I live in this world because this is the only way I could achieve a little bit happiness. WHY? Because I could watch my favorite singers, jrockers, animes, read manga and etc here! Ahhh ~ they're my life. Here I could Write stories, fanfics and gain OL friends (which I found much more trustworthy rather than my friends here...nah bcoz they're plastics! HOw awful it must be.)

I want a peaceful UNITED WORLD. Yeah, really. Who doesn't anyway? haha.

Valentines Day..hateful day

Valentines Day....

What a lovely day that is, well at least for those who have lovers and love of their life. This is a lovely month, but as for me. I simply hate it. Not because I don't have someone I could share this occasion but because I used to have that someone whom in the contrary betrayed me in the end. Do you know what happened? Firstly, I used to love somebody and thought its pure. But when we got separated because my family moves to another place...faraway from that somebody's place, just after a month or so I have heard a news from my friends who lives there that my boyfriend told them that we broke up already. Itai!(ouch) I even don't know when we broke up! Ouch, that really hurts and pierced my heart. My boyfriend denied me. And so that's my first love turned into a hateful memory.

So when we transferred in our new home, I started a new life. I can move on, yah know. I am not that kind of a girl who would cry and locked herself in an isolated room mourning and crying just because I was dumped by a stupid kareshi!(boyfriend) What am I, stupid? Gosh...

Sou, sou...(So..) not just a month living in our new katei (home) someone courted me. And I accepted him without thinking and without love. Of course, to show off to that stupid guy that I don't need anymore a moron like him who would deny a girlfriend, disgusting guy. NOt just that but because I want to show to him that I can replace him anytime, you pitied now the guy who courted me right? Because I used him as replacement? Yada! Because I know in the first place that he was the one who used me (and not me who used him) WHY? Because he was being dumped too and want to use me as well, hahaha. SOshite (and) he's a PERVERT. That's why right after he attempt to kiss me without my permission - I broke up with him. My, I don't need a perverted man! Totally NO.

Guys are THE SAME. LIAR. PERVERT. They want nothing but physical appearance. I hate it. I despised that kind of a man. Never I would dream to marry if that's the case. Oh well, in fact I never plan to marry. That will ruin my ALREADY RUINED LIFE.

Last last november, a guy courted me again. Oh my, what he wants from me now! To make it short, I accepted him just bcoz I gave myself another chance to trust. But then we broke up after a month. He used me to cover up his unrequited love of my classmate. Just because he knows he doesn't have any chance from that girl he swap his feelings at me. Im not dumb not to notice it. I know everything even without them saying it, I can feel their feelings. I am used to it. Because I am surrounded with LIARS. Yappari!

Definitely, this world needs a proper REVOLUTION.

And there's the fourth guy,...were lovers for almost two months and I thought he's the one. I thought yeah, but deep inside I know we wont last even a year. I have this feelings that we will end breaking up the same before.

Soredeha, (well then) Yappari! (as I have thought) Its the same. WE BROKE UP. No, I broke up with him. I broke up with him just this January. WHY? Because he is too popular in girls and he is too flirty with them. HUh, too full of himself, too proud of himself, too confident of himself...He's boasting his physical features, what a lame attitude! Just because girls PRAISE him though those girls knew that he has a GF already(that's me), they're still too clingy. Ew, I wanted to spill out blood. I can't stand that guy, his too ****.... I despised him for that.

Sate (well).....actually I never hated him, Im the one who broke up in the first place. Demo, (but) I never thought that this shocking, multi-awarded unexpected news will come up! Not just a week we broke up I heard the news that my EX 4th BF kissed another girl during our LOVE DAY PROGRAM (just this friday)! And moreover, its a freshman student, the younger sister of my boy classmate! What the **** he's a child molester! It shocked me for real! I was totally NUMB after hearing that, how could he do that though we've just broke up? AH, well, as expected from him. I emailed him saying hateful words, cursed him, and so so. But not because Im jealous, the reason why I sent him cursing emails is that because I regretted that I accepted him before. I told him in the emails that I despised him, I regreted for being his GF and so so. I even put ewwwww there! haha.

That's why I hate Valentines Day.

Because it will just gives me a headache remembering those despicable memories. I dont even want to think about it, but can't help it. I love thinking it too. WHY? Because it will remind me that GUYS are the same. Not all. But most of them. That serves me A LESSON.

NEVER EVER BELIEVE ON THEM.

Kami-sama (God), forgive me for being like this. OMIGOD, I can't help. I just simply hate LIARS, and humans around me. They're irratates me and they're soooo pretentious beings! Just so what I hate most in the world. I hate MEN. But oh well, that doesnt includes the anime/manga guys! haha! Because I prefer to fall in love in anime rather than a human one. Dakara, I am so contradicting!

AHHH~ Im such a narcissist.....I hate Valentines, I hate LOVE. I hate everything that's what Im seeing, bcoz those are full of sorrowness.

I love only myself. I dont trust anyone anymore, I trust no more. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary yah know. I want everybody around me to SMILE, I want their SMILING FACE not their FROWNED BROWS! But behold, if you'll just give me a smile which is totallo fake then better frown your face, dear! Because I hate fake smiles. And dont understimate ME. I know whether its fake or not, I can tell when you lie or not, I can sense when you do care or pretend. I know you more than you know yourself. I am your worst nightmare, you will never want me to visit you in your dreams. SO beeee good to me. ANd I'll be good to you.
ANyway, I know who you are. I can tell what you are, what your motives are. But....the only problem in me is that - I dont know myself anymore. It seems I have forgot caring for myself, what am I...

I LOVE ME. I am a narcissist after all.

Lady In Red

I live in this WORLD. But as much as I'm concerned, I don't like the way it is managed. I've been living for several years from now, but though I'm still 17, for me I don't like the way and the happenings I've been seeing. Everything is not enough for me, I craved for one thing and nothing else. To live happily and freely according to my own will. But, I am not.

I want my countrymen to live with a smile on their face, I want them to feel the happiness that they deserved, I want us all to be happy and to live freely, I don't want to suffer till the end of our time, suffer no more, but for me, the only ones who could do that are those people who are laying on their bed of golds. I pitied myself and I pitied those families who eats just once a day just enough to feed their hunger, street children who knows nothing but offering their small palms among others, begging and lowing themselves. But what I hate most is that some are just passing by with them and they would even get mad and what else? People see them as trash, filthy, criminals and low life creatures, avoiding them as if they contains contagious diseases. I hate people like that. They don't know what kind of life those people were in. Those people who lives in good environment, they would never understand the way how cruel life is, they would never learn to understand the sufferings of those people and children who seek for love, attentions, well-family, and shelter where they could feel the love of their families. SO many of them will never understand the cruelty.

I often wondered, why is it like this? Why can't just people live together in peace and unison? Why there is always discrimination? I thought that word was gone a long time ago, but I was wrong. I'm totally wrong. Discrimination is a word that would never vanished, a kind of treatment that will continue to soar and that is the truth that will never be kept hidden forever. Even now, all I can see is discrimination, no one lives in the same level and no one dares to be leveled among the person they despised and discriminated. How awful this world is. That is all I can see. Government are not making their ROLES to the fullest, they are CORRUPT, they're not serious about helping my country, are they? Could someone tell me that they are, and explain to me on how? I challenge you to and if you will give me enough reason, then I must applaud you.
This world, the modern world...is rotten increasingly. And I bet no one knows and realized about that TRUTH. No one. And if there is, I will highly appreciate them, praise them, and must applaud them. For they have seen the way my own eyes are seeing and observing. They have understand the way I am believing.

I am not critisizing. Am I? No, I am not. Because I am just telling the way I feel and the way I used to live. I am just being realistic. This is the way I am seeing the world, my country and those people around me. Everyday, I smile fakely. Everyday, I keep pretending that its OK. Everyday, I suffer. I suffer because I can't express and tell frankly the way I feel, the way I see things afraid that they will laught at me, afraid that no one would dare to understand the way I am believing, afraid that people would just ignore. I am damned TIRED of it, I'm tired for all of it. Ignoring the feelings of other, so awful. Even FRIENDS on this generation are fakes. Friends who smile at you and will badmouth you when you're out of their sight, what kind of humans are they? Are they're even humans? I despised them.

All I know, no more smiles that are pure hearted.

People who will read this will somehow despised me and the way I am thinking. But despised me as much as you can, why would I bother? This is me, and this is the way I used to believe and see. This is the painful truth I am clinging into. And I couldn't escape from that fact. NEVER I would dare to escape.

I am a girl who seek for enough and proper JUSTICE. I am a girl who is left alone in the corner counting the useless days that passed, a girl who will be never understand by her own family, a girl who is always the culprit in everything, the greatest antagonist and the worst nightmare. Behold, because no one would dare to understand the way I am me.

I am writing this because this is my personal online diary. I could never write this is in my notebook, my family members who would find it will laugh at me. It is beneficial for me to write my feelings and believes in here because no one would know who is me, who am I.
I am just an unknown existence. And leave it be that way.

For I am, your worst nightmare.

**********